#and its just really got me excited about photography again

[bisexualadamparrish]

🌊☁️💙 summer shades of blue

[sosa2imagines]

You, me and Vegas! Part 10

Warning- fluff, fun and trying to figure out.

The days were ticking away, the deadline for their annulment drawing closer. Bucky tried not to think about it too much, but it was impossible to ignore the looming date entirely.

Peach, on the other hand, seemed determined to make the most out of the time they had left together. She was cheerful, her usual self, but Bucky noticed small things, a slight edge in her smile, a hint of sadness in her eyes, when she thought he wasn't looking.

Each passing day felt heavier than the last. Bucky found himself watching her more closely, studying the way she moved, the way she talked, the expressions that crossed her face. He was storing these moments away, a strange sense of nostalgia already setting in.

Meanwhile, Peach would lay in bed at nights, staring up at the ceiling. She had been having trouble sleeping, her mind refusing to switch off. One thought kept circling around and around in her head. Why did she care so much about Bucky?

Sure, he was handsome, and he was nice, and he made her laugh, but there was something else there, something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

She tossed and turned, trying to analyze her feelings, figure out where this sudden attachment to Bucky had come from. Deep down she knew what it was, but didn't dare to dwell on it.

It was a day before their annulment date. Peach walked over to Bucky, holding a small gift box in her hands. She had a grin on her face, her eyes sparkling with excitement.

“I got you something...” she announced, holding up the box.

Bucky, who had been sitting on the couch, looked up in surprise. “You got me something?” he repeated, already reaching out to take the box from her.

Peach nodded, practically bouncing on her toes as she waited for him to open the box. She had been planning this gift for a while, and she was eager to see his reaction.

Bucky, a little amused by her excitement, opened the box with a curious expression. Inside, he found a collection of his favorite candy bars, neatly arranged and tied with a red ribbon.

Bucky carefully pulled out the contents of the box. His eyes widened when he saw what was hidden underneath the candy bars, a new camera.

He looked up at Peach, his surprise evident. “You remembered?” he asked, his voice slightly hoarse.

Peach smiled, her expression turning a little smug. “Of course I remembered!!!” she replied, feeling pleased. “You've talked about your love for photography a lot. I figured you could use an upgrade.”

Bucky's fingers ran lightly over the camera, his expression thoughtful. He was silent for a moment, then he looked up at her again, his gaze holding hers.

“Thank you.” he said, his voice softer. He held her gaze for a moment longer, a silent conversation passing between them.

He wasn't just thanking her for the gift, he was thanking her for the thought, for the fact that she'd listened to him, remembered something so tiny yet so important to him. For making him feel seen, cared for.

Peach felt a warm glow spreading in her chest at his words. She had been worried that the gift might be too much, too personal. But seeing the look on his face, the sincere appreciation in his eyes, told her she'd made the right decision.

Bucky carefully set the camera back in its box, handling it with almost reverent care. “This is...I really don't know what to say, Peach...” he admitted, his voice slightly gruff. “It's perfect.”

“You need to try it out,” Peach insisted, gesturing towards the camera. “Go on, give it a shot.”

Bucky chuckled at her insistence. “Now?” he asked, still holding the box. “You want me to take a picture right now?”

Peach nodded enthusiastically. “Yes, now!” she said, her voice eager. “I want to see what sort of shots you can take with this thing.”

Bucky couldn't help but smile at her enthusiasm. He carefully set the box down on the coffee table and picked up the camera, turning it over in his hands.

“Okay, okay,” he said, half-laughing, half-sighing. “What should I take a picture of?”

Peach thought for a moment, then smirked. “Me!” she declared, striking a pose. “Take a picture of me!”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, a smile toying on his lips. “Demanding, aren't you?” he teased, raising the camera to look through the lens.

Peach laughed, still in her pose. “You love it.” she retorted, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

Bucky chuckled and pressed his finger on the shutter, capturing her in the middle of her laughter.

He lowered the camera, looking at the preview of the picture. It captured her perfectly, mid-laugh, eyes bright, a wide smile on her face. He couldn't help being impressed by the camera's quality. But most importantly, Peach.

“You look...happy,” he said quietly, looking up from the camera to her. “Really happy.”

Peach moved closer, looking at the picture on the preview screen as well. “What can I say?” she said, her voice light. “You bring out the best in me.”

Bucky's heart gave a strange lurch in his chest at her words. He felt a pang of some emotion he couldn't quite name, and for a second, he faltered. Then he masked it with a smile, clearing his throat.

“It's a good pic...” he said, forcing his tone to be light. “Should we take another one, just in case? You know, to test the camera's capabilities.”

Peach had taken off, a laugh escaping her lips. “Catch me if you can!” she called over her shoulder, her feet already pounding on the hardwood floors.

Bucky stared after her for a split second, surprised, then broke into a smile. He quickly set the camera back on the table and started after her. His long legs took him quickly into a run.

“You're faster than I expected.” Bucky called after her, his voice carrying a hint of laughter.

Peach just laughed back, darting around a corner. She had chosen a game she was confident she could win, after all, she was smaller than Bucky. Her heart was racing, but it was as much from Bucky's proximity as it was from the chase.

Bucky chased her through the apartment, dodging furniture and door frames. He was gaining on her, but she was elusive, always just out of reach. His heart was beating fast, his breaths coming out short and sharp, but he was having fun. More fun than he remembered having in a long time.

Bucky finally caught up to her in the living room, grabbing her around the waist and sending them both tumbling onto the carpet in a tangle of limbs. They hit the floor with an oomph, Bucky landing on top of her.

“Got you…” he panted, looking down at her, a grin on his face.

Peach laughed breathlessly, looking up at him. “You cheated!” she accused, her voice half-playful, half-serious.

Bucky smirked down at her, his face only a few inches away from hers. He was fully pinned her down, his hands on each side of her, his body caging hers. They were both panting heavily, their hearts racing.

Bucky suddenly became aware of their positioning, him on top of her, trapping her beneath him, their faces so close together he could count her eyelashes if he wanted to. It was a rather intimate position, and it suddenly felt like the air had thickened around them.

Peach could feel the sudden shift in the air as well. She was suddenly very conscious of how close they were, of the weight and warmth of Bucky's body above hers, of his hands on her sides, pinning her down.

She swallowed, looking up at him, her breath catching in her chest.

Her eyes met his, her breath growing more ragged. Bucky was staring down at her intently, his gaze searching hers, as if trying to figure her out. The space between them felt charged, almost electric, and Peach had the strangest urge to reach up and touch his face.

But then he moved slightly, shifting his weight a little, and she stifled a gasp as his leg ended up between hers. The small action sent a jolt through her body, and she found herself holding her breath, praying he wouldn't notice.

But of course, Bucky was observant. He looked down at her, a small smile on his lips. He clearly had felt the shiver that had gone through her body, and he was aware of the effect he was having on her.

“Breathe, Peach...” he said teasingly, his voice deep and slightly hoarse. “You're turning red.”

Peach mentally cursed her body's reactions. She could feel the heat on her cheeks, she knew she was blushing. She tried to compose herself, tried to come up with a snarky retort, but her mind was empty, her thoughts scattered.

“I…I’m...” she managed to mutter, her voice uneven.

Bucky leaned down, his face hovering just over hers. He was so close now, their lips only a handful of inches apart. Peach could feel his breath against her skin, could feel the heat radiating off his body.

Her heart was pounding in her chest, her lips parted involuntarily. She found herself watching his lips, wondering what it would feel like to have them pressed against hers.

Bucky's gaze was intense, his eyes drifting from her eyes to her lips and back again. He looked as if he was fighting with himself, trying to hold back.

“Peach...” he murmured, his voice a low, rough whisper. It was as if he wanted to say something but couldn't quite get the words out.

Peach watched him, her heart fluttering in her chest. There was a strange tension between them now, almost like a tangible force, pulling them together.

Her eyes flickered down to his lips, then back up to his eyes, and she felt the strangest urge to close that small, maddening gap between them.

Just when their lips were so close, they were almost touching, the sharp ring of the doorbell shattered the silence.

Bucky started, pulling back slightly as if snapped out of a trance. He looked down at Peach beneath him, confusion and disappointment on his face. She mirrored his expression, her heart still racing from the almost-kiss, her body still charged with the electric tension.

The doorbell rang again, insistent and impatient. Bucky took a deep breath, rolling off Peach and getting to his feet awkwardly. He ran a hand through his hair, his eyes still on her, a multitude of emotions in his gaze.

“I should...I should get that.” he said after a moment, his voice oddly thick.

As Bucky opened the door, he stared at his parents in surprise. He hadn't been expecting them, or anyone for that matter. They looked equally surprised to see him, but their gaze quickly shifted behind him, to a spot just out of his vision.

Bucky glanced over his shoulder and saw Peach standing there, looking a little disheveled from their earlier game. His parents' gazes were trained on her, clearly wondering who she was and what she was doing here.

Part 9 - Part 11

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[spaceacealex]

Trip report!!

For those that have been waiting, sorry! I got home and immediately had to go help with a family thing. But here it is!

First, was the obvious. We had to drop off the baby boy with my parents. He had a great time with the family and was very dirty, stinky, and sleepy when we got back.

So where were we? We went to see the eclipse! As many of you know, My wife proposed to me under totality in the 2017 solar eclipse. So she surprised me with time off to travel to this last one on 4/8!

We flew to Nashville, TN and rented a car so I could scratch my road trip itch. We visited her family in KY, then went up to Cairo, IL for the event.

THIS is the public library in Cairo. It's an absolutely darling building, built originally to be a library and still proudly serving that purpose. The gals who were manning the counter were sweet, knowledgeable, and so welcoming. They had goodie bags with moon pies and starbursts and collected the eclipse glasses when we were done with them so they could be sterilized and sent down to Mexico for the next eclipse. So lovely to talk with and they welcomed us to spend the eclipse on their lawn with some local families. So we did!

We had a little picnic, chatted with some of the families, and got to watch totality in a tiny little town with so much character I still smile just thinking about it.

Hopefully you don't expect us to have top tier eclipse photography lol, but these are great for us! I got to kiss my wife under totality and it was hella romantic.

Then I got to drive more....then Kara got to drive because there were a ton of accidents and the three hour drive back to Nashville took more than six hours. So uh, my motion-sick self was struggling with the stop and go traffic.

But when we got there, we had a great night and then day walking around Eastside Nashville and pointing out the arcades I was going to take Kara to that evening.

That didn't quite happen.

Because the first stop we made in the arcade crawl is where we stayed all night.

No Quarter, the pinball arcade I now have a hat for because it's so friggin cool. We got to do many cool things there. 1)They had excellent drinks and in true Oregonian fashion I got to try the local cider and judge it. (it was good!) 2) I kicked Kara's ass at pinball. Very important. 3) I got MY ass kicked at pinball by literally every other person in the building. Also very important. Because 4) I got to play in a pinball tournament hosted by Belles and Chimes, specifically for women and non binary folks!

How did I, notorious nerves-haver and not a multiplayer pinball player join this?

5) I got to meet Quinn Hills. You know, @quinnhills ? Yeah. I'm still so giggly about it.

Hi. This pic is me, many drinks in, just absolutely giddy getting to meet (and hug!!) one of my favorite artists.

She's so sweet, so kind, and asked if I wanted to join the tournament.

Remember: do what beautiful women ask of you.

I am still kicking myself because I dropped the cliche, "your music has helped me through some really hard stuff." I mean, its absolutely true!! But I had told myself I was gonna be more eloquent than that. Oh well. I would blame the cider, but I was super excited and nervous before that, so I think I'm just a little goofy.

Kara also was happy to meet the woman who's music I had been blaring for that whole six plus hour car ride back to Nashville, and she's agreed to play pinball with me at our home bar! Major win!

We stayed until one in the morning, Kara ordered pizza to the hotel, and we had safe flights back home the rest of the day.

It was such a fun trip and I'm still losing my mind at all the little bits of it.

When I stream next (soon) I'm sure you'll hear about all this again. Along with my breakdown of eclipse conspiracies I've spent far too much time analyzing. <3

[focusontheheart]

Meet the Team - Bookmancer

You can also find her on: Twitter @ bookmancer_myth IG @ bookmancer_legendarium AO3 @ Bookmancer_Legendarium

Hello, Bookmancer here! I had no idea that when I played the robot dinosaur game, my life would be divided into two phases: before Horizon and after. I discovered Horizon right around its release. I was fascinated by the trailer and captivated by the Tallneck, which is still my favorite machine.   I'm continually awed by the storytelling, visual beauty of Horizon's world, and depth of its characters. HZD actually got me into virtual photography because it’s the first game that really encouraged me to pause, look around, admire the world, and fiddle around with how to capture its beauty. Because I do so much VP, I always like to look at paintings and photos to try and replicate them.  I started in the fandom through VP before indulging in my love of writing to share fanfic - and now this dating game! I’m always awed by other content creators in the Horizon fandom and out. They think of such creative things, and everyone is very encouraging. I'm excited to further explore Seyka's story in FOTH and Horizon 3 and am fascinated by her as a mirror to Aloy's stubborn compassion, but flavored by tribal connections Aloy only just made through her found family. But for the near future, I want to write more deep-dives into the psyche of the characters, their hopes and insecurities, and how they play off of each other. I’d also like to draw more and take more shippy VP!

See the Q&A with Bookmancer below the cut!

Q: What is a favorite piece of work you've done (i.e. completed, working on, in concept)?

I've written some fanfic for Horizon - some published that I really like and actually came out how I wanted to, and some that's still living in my brain and I have to pay its rent in the form of chanting "I should write this already…" But I'm pleased with my fic "who can take my hand in the flood?" and want to write more of the ever-growing GAIA Gang being happy and healing. I’m working on a Seyloy fic of her getting welcomed into the gang.

Q: What are some of your favorite tropes to write, draw, or read?

I love friends to lovers! Also, star-crossed lovers, opposites attract, fish out of water, rivals learning more about each other and coming to a powerful understanding, and bodyguard AUs.

Q: What is an unexpected thing or fun fact about you?

I've got a language learning club going with some friends so we can pool resources and offer encouragement. I love learning about absolutely anything, and I'm getting into crocheting. Outside of FOTH writing, I write fanfic for various fandoms. I do a ton of VP and it's probably doubled my playtime in HFW. I love swimming, and I can only whistle by inhaling, not exhaling.

Q: What has been your favorite thing about working on this project so far?

I've loved seeing the outpouring of creativity, the fandom uniting for something that's so beloved to so many, and learning a metric Horus-ton about… well, a ton of things! Every day, I'm amazed over and over again, and I'm so thrilled I to get to see this come together up close. Everyone is incredibly talented and inspirational, and every bit of it has been collaborative and uplifting.

[gyokutoll]

I’m just talking but…

My heart always breaks whenever I remember teenage Hotaru. He was so sweet. It’s something that really haunts me. I don’t know how well I convey it in this way, but he was just so sweet. Did favors for his elderly neighbors, learned how to cook and clean so his late shift nurse mother wouldn’t have to do anything. Made his mother meals to take to work with her. Tended to Gumi’s wounds, still got good grades and apologized to his teacher for the brown smears on it (blood from bullying, still turning it in because his word is his bond.)

Soft spoken Hotaru who couldn’t raise his voice much above a whisper. Hotaru who loved photography and was so excited to get his first camera and would show Gumi and Ichika the photos. They were blurry and not good but they supported him anyways.

He was such a sweet, lonely, loving person. Extended himself for strangers and still tried to live despite the bullying. It’s so ironic because I did this to him so it’s like. Damn bitch why are YOU crying like you didn’t write this? But it makes him as an adult so much more significant to me. Because you know that he was sweet as a teenager, that he wanted to be a doctor who could help others, but how terrible is it now? Being a host who preys on people’s loneliness and insecurities to earn money, kind of becoming that of which would hurt him when he was younger.

He couldn’t be further from the adult he wanted to become but what I find so beautiful is that it isn’t true, either. The current Hotaru still slows his pace to help the elderly if he sees that they need it. He pets every stray cat that he sees, he bandages the injuries of those he’s only acquaintances with. Hotaru is so unbearably warm as a person if he’s just given the opportunity to be, if there’s no one looking.

I always describe Hotaru as “lovely” but there’s just no other word for it to me. To me, as a writer, loveliness implies an innate beauty which is not dependent on the physical. Hotaru is lovely as a physically beautiful adult as he was lovely as an awkward teenager who had an adversarial relationship with hair brushes. There’s this warmth that emanates from him, this tender atmosphere if one really pays attention. His voice is soft and careful, forced to be monotone to be unfriendly but not unpleasant, either.

Whenever he touches other people, it’s gentle, perfunctory, never forceful. He won’t kick someone while they’re down and there are timelines where he’s forgiven murderers and stalkers. There’s just this aspect to his character I find impossible to describe that I’m not even sure I discuss it, let alone write it consistently.

There’s this raw, tender human center and wounded idealist to him. He’s so cynical and bitter because he loved the world with such a profundity that the gap of kindness in his reality made him recoil deeply. And why should he love the world? He was its victim. But he still does, if you really think about it. He says that he hates people and that they’re nothing but trouble but he’ll put himself in difficult situations for strangers and will inconvenience himself if he sees someone hurt or suffering. He feeds stray animals, he’ll call out people rude to workers in stores.

Yes, he pushes people away and is nasty and insulting. Yes, he looks for buttons to push. And yet. He’s so helpful when push comes to shove. He’ll act like he’s doing kindness because the other person is a pathetic burden he feels pity for, but that’s not true at all, and it twists my stomach a little to think about how his youthful love and optimism have to be masked behind thick walls of sarcasm. AGAIN I REALIZE I DID THIS TO HIM but it’s like he’s encased his heart with thorns and every beat hurts not only others, but himself.

And so I imagine Hotaru with this ambient loveliness, this warm aura that seeps past the verbal cruelty you can observe if you truly care to know him. Deep down, he hasn’t changed at all, and that’s the tragedy of it all: it would’ve been easier if he did. It would have been easier to survive in a cruel utilitarian world if he had. This is why Tsugumi still regards him as her better half even if he isn’t the shy boy she once knew. Because she knows that unlike herself, Hotaru doesn’t need to be taught how to love, he already knows how and is better at it than most people.

He doesn’t recognize this in himself, of course. But I think about it a lot. Hotaru is a type of character I’ve never made before, let alone written. I tend to really favor flirty bastard types with no morals and hedonistic thrills, but Hotaru is so raw and human that he has. Charmed me and he’s my own little creation.

I hope to one day be a skilled enough writer to effectively convey just how multi-faceted he is and the idea that he is lovely, despite it all, that trauma won’t always rob you blind of all of your good.

[dandyghest]

Taanishi! Hiya! I figured it might be a bit of fun to see some of the process of creating my weird little goober - the sabroonor! (tumblr post, toyhouse page)

I don't know if my process is very interesting, especially with this guy as I somehow managed to lock in on a design that I liked pretty quickly, but I'll try to share what I can!

I started out by making a pinterest board (two, actually, as I initially thought I would do the will-o-the-wisp category ^^;;) and collecting inspiration of some different critters and vibes that matched the theme. There are so many fun desert animals.... I'll have to do some more creature design at some point :c]

The main starting inspiration for this monster was Plains bison! This summer I got to visit Wanuskewin Heritage Park and saw bison in person for the first time (they've recently (2019) been reintroduced back into that area in large part thanks to the efforts of the local indigenous peoples)! Lii bufloo (bison) have an important history with Métis people and other Turtle Island Indigenous peoples, and these animals have been on my mind since the summer.

I've always been interested and awed at the way animals are part of and integral to their ecosystems (including humans!) and the way animals shape their environment, so learning about bison wallows was super exciting and really stuck out to me amongst all the other information I learned. I hope I was able to share some of my excitement using this design!

Here's my initial sketches that I made at the beginning of the month! (along with my first thoughts to a friend about the goober)

After that, I took to my sketchbook to work on the design a little more - I have an easier time sketching traditionally! After figuring out the general idea of the shapes I wanted to use, I switched back to digital and worked on some sketches to really nail down the proportions I wanted to use.

I experimented with some colours, and didn't feel like they worked well - I'd been trying to keep in mind that mammals can't naturally produce certain pigments (or so I've read recently LOL, not entirely sure if it's really true or not!) so I was trying to stick to warmer colours. Eventually I broke out of that rule and tried using some other colours from the Desert Oasis theme image, and turned the tail into a cactus (along with adding flower petals to mimic a cactus flower)!

On the 18th, I worked on the skeletal structure of the guy - taking inspiration from raccoons, bison, and armadillos! I had played around with some skeletal sketches earlier, but none of them really addressed (or worked with) HOW this guy curls up into such a tight ball. Took a little bit of finagling (and reference of this image and this image) but I got there eventually!

(I also figured out the name on this day - I just brainstormed some of my favourite features and what I consider its most distinctive features and put together a name using Michif words that I felt fit together well based on those features.)

After that, it was time for needlefelting! I hadn't felted anything in a couple years (except for a little heart for a doll/plushie I made back in May LOL) so it was a bit touch-and-go for the first day or two, but I was able to pick it back up again without too much issue.

I used the skeleton art to create the right proportions for the wire armature! I've already made a post showing some of the needlefelting process, but feel free to ask questions if you're interested in any of it!

Once the little man was finished (Thursday night), I quickly set up a little makeshift photography shoot outside on Friday afternoon before the sun went down, and put together the images on this lovely website. I'll spare you the tale of the woeful struggles I had trying to get the files to be a manageable size without looking awful LOL, but eventually I got the two gifs made! (This was also my first attempt at making a stop-motion animation, it was super fun to try out! I definitely want to do some more with it at some point ^-^)

I uploaded everything to toyhouse and compiled all the notes I'd made about his design, finishing the submission and handing it in about an hour before they closed ^^;;

Also a little bonus: Sabroonor is pronounced "sah-broon-noor" with a slightly rolled r in "broon". Kiiyaamayow ishaayow is pronounced "kee-YAH-mah-yow ish-SHY-yow" (Southern Michif is written using a phonetics system since it was not a written language until preservation efforts were put into place).

[zip-toonz]

if u have ANYTHING to say abt trevor (either your interpretation, anyone else's, or just plain old canon trevs) id LOVE to hear abt it...i care abt him soooo much trevor fans make some noise ‼️

I HAVE MANY THINGS TO SAY ABOUT TREVOR WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN!! First and Foremost I have to say I love your interpretations of the characters! I love reading your head canons and Ideas and I'm honored my stuff inspired you like your work inspires me! (Obsessed with Schrödinger's Trevor). I should draw our Trevors hanging out sometime I think that would be a fun art piece! Also the fanart you made for the PLA au still makes me go crazy /pos

ALRIGHT *cracks my knuckles so hard my bones turn to dust* Trevor time! Read more cause I never shut up about Trevor

Trevor is by far my favorite Pokémon character of all time. I use to spend hours scrounging up any fanart I could find back in like 2013-15. I'm pretty sure he did things to my gender identity. Trevor of Trans your Gender.

He reminds me a lot of one of my other big time blorbos Mary Ann

Something about kids with this hairstyle I guess haha. I think they'd get along though they have similar personalities.

My Interpretation of Trevor!!

My interpretation of Trevor is a weird amalgamation of the game, manga, and anime. And sometimes I have multiple interpretations of him depending. But the one that I have a design for is a solid mix of all. He likes photography and wants to complete the pokedex. Gets really excited seeing Pokémon even if its a Pokémon he's already seen before and yet is very shy when meeting new people. He's only really comfortable with his friends, his sister, and Sycamore (who is effectively his father figure). Very smart but kind of clumsy, he tends to get a little beat up because he focuses in on things and forgets his surroundings. He's not big on battling but he loves studying Pokémon and want's to be a professor when he's older just like Sycamore. He takes photos of pokemon and keeps them in a little scrapbook with help from Shauna. Also he thrifts all his clothes and can never find anything that fits him just right.

Canon Trevor HCs

I tend to have sadder head canons for him due to the lack of parents. I don't think he likes Celebrating his birthday because his parents are never there to celebrate it with him. He has a hard time making friends and is always silently worried his friends will leave him one day. He's scared of getting hurt and so he tends to shut himself off from others involuntarily because he's scared of being abandoned again, and most of the time he only meets new people through the others in his friend group. Sycamore is one of the few adults he trusts.

Because of the manga I like to think he has this sixth sense of snuffing out harmful or dangerous people based on their aura. Lysander makes this kid faint his vibes are so bad. But that's really just for fun rather than anything serious or concrete.

I think he's got a wet paper bag for a stomach and gets queasy very easily. Its possible his anxiety has something to contribute to his health. and he should probably be on some kind of medication to manage it.

I love love love how hes handled in the manga. He's not the coward he thinks he is. He's scared but he's willing to fight for what he believes in. He's willing to stand up for his friends even when he struggles to stand up for himself and its so nice watching him grow.

AUS!!

I have a few aus major with Trevor PLA and REVIVAL are my two major ones but there's also Paldea (a spin off following PLA) and Wondar (My fan region that features him minorly)

Despite both major ones having godly deer screwing him over in one way or another I characterized him differently

In PLA is emotionally dead. He's got no fucks left to give and handles Pokémon with his bare hands. He's exhausted and numb. I don't think I've talk a lot about him and his relationships in PLA but he practically adopted by Laventon, and ends up making good friends with Akari and Rei. When he does return home he finds himself missing them a lot. Also he never wants to see another shinx in his life hes got scars for days from shinx alone. Also theres a Yanmask with a mask of him implying he died before returning home. (Paradoxical nonsense but its meant to represent the part of him that lived in paldea and not the part of him that died if that makes any sense? its like the physical manifestation of the impact he had on the past).

In the Revival au (sometimes lovingly called Revival Rival cause its fun to say) he's physically dead. He's practically a walking corpse with a conscious. His heart barely beats, his skin is cold. A medical anomaly. Xerneas splinters a piece of its power off (so to speak) to bring him back because humans are far more complicated than foliage. Because of this he can understand Pokémon, Flowers grow in his wake, and can revive fainted Pokémon. It seems neat but to him it just further alienates him from his peers and is a responsibility he doesn't want to have to handle. Its overwhelming. He can't stray too far from Xerneas who's is practically his life support. I've jokingly compared it to a soul gem from Madoka where if he strays to far he slows down and then eventually loses consciousness/dies again. Theres a grace radius but he can't really explore places like Lumiose anymore because Xerneas can't/won't follow. Meaning he can't go home. He lingers around smaller towns and forest. When emotinally distressed he loses his ability to control these new powers.

anyway!! enough of me rambling!! if you wanna talk about him more or have follow up questions just ask!! My dms are also open!! I can keep talking about this silly lil guy for ever!

[roseriot2191]

Entry 1/Introductions

hey!

so i really havent used tumblr before really so im not sure if this is the best place for what im doing but regardless im posting it here

~welcome to my blog~

the purpose is to document my life as a whole but its also my senior year so even more reason to record it!

this blog will be my safe space to spill anything, the good and the bad, of my upcoming life. in all honesty im not sure how well ill keep up with posts or how much effort ill end up putting into them but i will try to update at least once a week for sure.

ok so now onto me :)

hello again! im rose, i use he/they pronouns and i am 17. for anyone wonder, which i dont know why but i guess i can just state it to get it out of the way, im a cis queer guy. i use queer as my label because i very much dislike labels for myself lmao. im attracted to men way more often than not but if the right person for me isnt a guy the im not going to let gender/sex get in the way of love and im not sure pansexual really fits the way i feel. queerness ill say is a part of me but not something i identify with as much as i did in middle school. ill make a separate post about this perhaps. (ill mention that my name isnt actually rose irl and its just my pen name for the blog. i have no reason to be secretive really besides to hide my identity from friends, family and people who think they might know me, especially with the topics i might write about, but also i didnt put too much effort into disconnection rose and myself so if youre one of my irl friends, hi :p ) i am a high school student, but i am mostly taking college classes at a community college. im a photo major! photography is a recent thing that i started basically the same time i started college. i sorta took a leap into photo classes and decided that i might as well major in it since ive always been a creative person and since my high school was paying for my tuition. honestly college has been really fun but its school and sometimes i get burnt out really easily which sucks. ill probably talk about this more some other time. i havent really decided on a style of photography that i prefer yet but this fall ill start a portraiture lighting class as well as a color theory class, both im really excited for.

recently ive found myself changing or perhaps growing into a more typical "teenager" recently. this growth is a drastic change from who i was as a kid and that sort of scares me but i think i like the idea of who i can become. i started taking an interest in cars which sort of came out of know where. it might be because i got my license last december and have been driving a lot more but its also rooted in my ex too. (at the begging of this summer i got into a relationship with this guy who was my first everything, and we also ended it in july which hurt hella but again this is a topic for another post later) he was a total car guy and it was something we were bonding over. he would teach/talk about cars and i listened and started to take an actual interest. we went to a few car shows and it was honestly a prefect date/hangout for us because he liked cars of course but i also got to bring my camera and take photos. definitely something i miss doing. my first car was a 2004 honda pilot. it was a manual and i tried learning how to drive it and i got the gist but ended up selling it and getting an automatic 2006 honda pilot lol. this car ive had since february and its lowkey dying now which pisses me. my grandpa was the one who ended up buying it for me which i appreciate very much dont get me wrong but he bought it off these sketchy guys and didnt get it checked out right away for any problems and now im paying extra money in repairs. currently im trying to save for something more "extra" like a mustang or a bmw or honestly an older honda like a prelude or accord, though on my salary as a host in a small restaurant i have barely $4.5k saved and i started work about the same time i got the 06 pilot. i know these cars are a bit on the pricey side but im giving myself till new years to save for something and if i dont find anything by then, ill keep my money in savings for college after i graduate. (that is with the hopes my 06 pilot lasts me through that long :,) )

so yeah. i work as a host at a restaurant. its my first job and i honestly really like it. i get paid $16.50 an hour and i get tipped out by the waitresses on top of that. on average i make about $500 in a pay period which is two weeks. i wish i had more hours but also i dont. i usually use work as an excuse to procrastinate or completely ignore school work which is really self destructive because i convince myself that im productive but in reality i need to be more focused on school. my work ethic is pretty good though i think. i always say yes if someone needs a cover or if i need to come in ealry/on a day off. after the break up i took a bunch of extra shifts and started taking caterings for longer hours and to keep me busy. in the past 2 pay periods i clocked about 50 hours each and made $850 each. this has again been really nice for savings but not for my summer classes. this pay period i had a double catering and i should clock in about 40 ish hours. ill have one more pay period after this one before i will talk to my manager about scheduling me only friday-sunday and see about scheduling me caterings more rather than hosting since i make more that way. theyre pretty good about accommodating hours/days which is really cool but my manager always complains. i feel bad but also i really shouldnt because i need to do better in school first and i already do so much more than what i get paid for honestly so she really doesnt have any reason to say anything. (especially since we just hired 3 new girls after the summer hires left) all my coworkers love me but also everyone shit talks eachother behind their backs so i always wonder if they say anything about me lol. if they are then they should put that energy somewhere else because how are you guys gonna shit talk a 17 year old when you all are 25+???

my music taste is the opposite in regards to changing drastically. i find myself returning to the music i grew up with and even expanding with similar artists. for a quick family overview my step dad who raised me since i was three was/is a tattoo artist and very much in the punk scene. my mom was in the artistic performance and alternative scene. both these adults raised a very punk baby with all the classics and now like i said, after not really interested or listening to music often for awhile, im back to my roots. this is very comforting however when me and my ex were dating he was a big influence in the reintroduction. so do i corrilate some music to him? yes. does it hurt? im not sure. its very confusing but i listen to it on blast regardless and will most likely have hearing problems by the time im 30 T~T a lot of what ive been listening to on repeat is radiohead which was "our band" and i still think it is. im a very sentimental person and cant/wont diconnect these feelings probably ever. i do this a lot. this time though i havent had the urge to stop listening which is a reliefe because i enjoy the music but also because i think itd hurt me if i found hate or sadness in the music rather than the love and bond we once shared through these songs. something ive been considering is posting a song with every post or at the very least at the end of the week. maybe even a playlist at the end of the month? not sure yet. i think music tatse is something that changes with me all the time so its something worth recording here. oh also i def will post cd hauls here too! i have a small collection started but definetely wanna get more.

lets see i dont read often but my favorite books are alice in wonderland, the warden's daughter, they both die at the end, coraline and currently i am reading solitaire by alice oseman. ive read her heartstopper series and have taken a serious interest in tori's story. for my favorite shows i binge watch shows so often and then forget about them just as fast as i watch them lol. i really like soul eater, downtown, daria, the midnight gospel, the walking dead, initial d, madoka magica, and some others i cant think of right now.

hmm~ i cant really think about anything else to write at the moment, plus ive been typing for awhile and should get to bed, so i think ill end it here.

i dont really expect anyone to read this blog in all honesty but its something i wanna do for myself and if a few people take interest or relate to anything i talk about i think thats enough :)

[struggle-but-its-all-ocean-floor]

Overall nothing V has done lately has been exciting to me. But that's okay. There's tons of BTS content I haven't watched.

Yeah same. I'm not really into fashion like that, and I don't think the shoots he has done are anything special. Yes, he is very attractive but I'm not freaking out like I did for the "JK for CK" or Yoongi's as-yet-undefined photos.

And there is sooooo much content, and sometimes ARMY'S are insanely aggressive with everything. As if you're less of a fan if you don't buy every magazine they feature on, or stream their music 24h/7 days a week (oh fuck, now that will be stuck in my brain forever. Again). I haven't really watched the D-Day concerts after the ones they streamed in theatres because I want to experience that with a friend who lives several hours away. And we're adults with jobs. So I feel you.

I was pretty neutral about most of the releases (except D-Day. I was fucking scared I'd hate it because I was expecting too much. And People pt2 wasn't quite living up to People imho. But damn what an album. Literal life changer), but they all just were so GOOD in unexpected ways. I only buy physical copies of the shit I care about, because I don't want to throw parts of my disposable income at stuff I won't ever look at or listen to. SMF pt2 made me order Face on the spot. I yes

Generally, what I want from music is to make me feel something. To fill that hollow void in my soul, be that through anger, love, sadness or joy. I want it to be somewhat interesting in its composition (that's the part of me trained in classical music) which is why I love Vibe or Take Two. Or, like you said, challenge something.

In that regard, Layover is a bit like Tae's photofolio: safe, uncomplicated and mostly an aesthetic.

(I sound so harsh and I'm both sorry and not? Yoongi and Taeyang talked about everyone around you turning into "yes-men". That no one really challenges them because they're famous. So maybe I'll collect some thoughts on...all this...and write a post. If I'm not tired af tonight lol. Adulting is stupid)

I don't think you're being harsh. BTS are artists so criticizing their art is part of taking them seriously as artists and not just mindlessly streaming and consuming their content.

I agree that V's photoshoots weren't to my taste. They're all pretty similar, and he either wears Celine and/or old men clothing. Like, his poses, the photography, the styling, the vibe, are so similar between photoshoots that it's not exciting and V's looks don't do anything for me. Sometimes I think he's so handsome, but most of the time I don't notice it. He's handsome of course, but I'm meh about it.

I also agree that the songs are pretty safe. Jin's debut was pretty safe but it wasn't really a debut, so it doesn't count. RM and Suga didn't really shock me or show a whole new side of theirs with their albums, but RM has been challenging himself and us with his collabs, like Sexy Nukim and Smoke Sprite, and the way he promoted his album was very original and cool; Suga released two fire music videos with great storytelling and branched out a bit musicallly. Of course, J-Hope and Jimin totally surprised everyone with their albums, and Jungkook surprised us for obvious reasons lmao. So far V hasn't surprised me at all, but maybe the tt will? Probably not. I guess we got too used to being shocked haha.

But you said it well that V's album so far feels like an aesthetic, and that's so true for a lot of V's recent projects and that's one of the reasons why it's harder for me to connect with him right now.

Thanks for the ask!

[softjaeyvn]

August 9, 2024 | 1:21am

heyyy,, sooo its been a minute since i last updated my blog and 2023 has been a wild year with a lot of ups and downs, but im not really gonna talk about those stuff tonight.

today and the past few days has been kinda hard for me despite being on break from school. idk if i told you guys but i passed (well, reconsidered) my dream university! ust has always been the dream for me and never in a million years would i have traded it for anything. i was both excited and anxious on moving to schools, the expectations, the new environment, the people, and the overall culture. you can’t imagine the happiness i felt when i got accepted here in ust. many times during the reconsideration process i have felt on giving up but i pursued with it just to get in to my dream university.

now, i’m currently in my senior year of high school (yahoo) and ill soon be graduating ust-shs! ever since i was a kid, i had my eyes on which dream profession i would pursue when i grow up. but lately, i became undecisive on which course i’ll take in college. since i’m really into photography and filming, i kinda wanna take ab communication arts and my friends also adviced me to take ab comm instead of bs tourism since ab comm is more broad when it comes to picking your job in the future and i read that you don’t really have to take bs tourism to become a flight attendant so all roads lead me to ab comm right? but the reason i’m conflicted between these two is because of (1) most of my friends that is my blockmates are leaning towards bs tourism. so if i take ab comm, i would probably have to make new friends again. but there’s also a part of me that wants to distance myself from them since i had trauma with most of my blockmates. mostly because they don’t cooperate much and only do the tasks last minute and i dont like doing last minute works, (2) i researched the subjects from ab comm and bs tourism and compared them from one another. im nervous for thesis writing which ab comm has on 2nd year up until 3rd? i think. anyways, im not really that good in research and my last research took a toll on me bc of how incompetent my groupmates were. one even had the audacity to use chatgpt to search for our theoretical framework AND didn’t show up during the defense day. and lastly (3) my ate graduated from the same course (ab comm) with latin honors (cum laude) and that just makes me want to achieve latin honors too. no one’s really pressuring me to achieve anything and its mostly just me putting pressure on myself to do well so that i can match the efforts and achievements my relatives had. idk but to me, if i don’t achieve something in the course taken by one of my relatives before, i would think i’m not working hard enough and that i’m a failure. if i apply for ab comm then that pressure would be put onto me by myself. i don’t want to become a shadow of one of my relatives that graduated with latin honors just because i enrolled the same course as her and couldn’t match her achievements. all im saying here is that i’m insecure of how smart my family is and im not. they all achieved something in life while im just here. existing.

These conflicts about my course in college just scratch the surface on why i’m ranting right now. since i’m already a senior, i’m entitled to take all the cets from the big 4 universities. upcat was the first among the four that opened its doors for admissions, of course i wouldn’t miss the chance to apply so i did. as i’m writing this, it would only be 1 day left till i take upcat. i’m already getting burnt out because i wasted my time goofing around instead of reviewing for this. i asked for reviewers from my friend that attended a review session today and watched some of its lecture videos then got to answering a mock test. idk what i was honestly expecting what my grade would be but i was surprised that i got only a 30% and that is definitely not good. i know that that’s what i get for not reviewing enough but i was still somehow disappointed with it.

now, this wouldn’t really be a big of a deal for me since i’m only taking the test for added experience, im already thankful that i got accepted in ust. i just think of it as bragging rights for when i do pass. it’s honestly rewarding to see a “congratulations” on the screen and people would immediately think you’re so smart because you passed one of the most hardest to pass cets in the country.

why am i ranting over this? you might ask. ever since i got enrolled here in ust, the tuition fee is not a joke. 50k for one semester, that would equal to 100k for just one school year. now, i know that this is the consequence for enrolling in a prestigious university but the desire to get into my dream university blinded me from these kinds of things. now that i’m in my senior year, the fees increased by 4% and went from 50k to 60.5k for one semester. and that really took a toll in both me and my mom’s finances. we already applied for a voucher from peac since the start of my junior year but it has still yet to be applied so my mom is still paying full installments for my tuition fee. we also recently applied for a scholarship from our local city to try and somehow get discounted prices for my tuition. but, if my application doesn’t get approved, i will probably say goodbye to ust sooner.

When i was still choosing on what university ill go to for shs and college, staying in ust wasn’t really my plan at all. in fact, i thought that i’ll just take shs in ust and then transfer universities after. but that changed when i experienced what it’s like to become a thomasian to the point where i grew fond of the campus and lore and even the people that are just so so friendly and welcoming. i didn’t wanna leave so soon. i don’t want to suddenly leave after just 2 years of staying there. i want ust to become my second-home up until i graduate college.

my mom has been urging me to review and do well for upcat because it’s a state university and doesn’t have tuition fees (they probably still have but lower compared to ust) and given our current financial situation, she badly wants me to pass upcat. but i don’t really see myself in that institution and i just don’t think i have the mental capacity to pass that exam. now, its putting pressure on me because i might lose my chance of staying in ust in college, this might be my last year in ust and being a tomasino; or i might lose my mind if i ever do pass upcat and become an isko for college. i’ve already heard stories from seniors that they got delayed from graduating at up because of how hard it is to study there, and their thesis there are supposedly individual work which just goes back to my rant over me being conflicted with my course to take in ust (i hate research and im scared of thesis).

i honestly would love to study in up but im just being realistic with myself, i may bite more than what i can chew but that doesn’t mean i’m over optimistic to myself. i don’t want to have an expectation brought unto me just because im studying in ust or up. i really do hope i get the chance to stay in ust because i can’t see myself in any other university other than ust. ust has only been my home for a year and it has been a life-long dream to study here. i have yet to experience many thomasian traditions and i don’t wanna leave just yet.

ps: it’s been 2 days since treasure’s 4th anniversary! im really proud of them. i probably wouldn’t be the person i am today if i haven’t met them

[tonycamonte]

school ⬇️

sooo excited for next semester....... have english again with my favourite teacher for the first time since i was a freshman + itll be fun to have him in senior year i think..... cooler novel study selections also i know catcher in the rye is one of the options which is soooo fun i would love 2 write an essay abt it but youre not supposed to do a book youve already read so. sorry holden. anyway i have art studio for the first time (its basically impossible 2 take with french immersion so i havent had the chance til now) + im reallyyyy excited i think itll be fun + its another class thats pretty light on group work which is reallyy choice because my 2 best friends r graduating so im gonna be sort of lonely. ummm i really miss doin art classes i used 2 do a lot of stuff in the city but because of covid i stopped + i kind of stopped like drawing which sucked but i have Ideas for what i wanna do............... eermm then i have 20th c world history which ive been looking forward to for like trhee years so. yippee!!!!! i was sort of. eavesdropping with my eyes on a girl in the lab doin her work for it and i was like wowowow so fun so cool.. and then i have photography + i dunno how i feel about it like i signed up for it but i kind of want to switch into religious studies (which our school allegedly has but ive never heard of anyone taking it + the course list on the website is broken so) but i dunno if thats gonna be too much + i really regret picking philosophy this semester over that but whatever i like photography its just supposed to be kind of boring but maybe thats a good thing. idk i think my classes r well balanced this year like this semester i have cooking + two socials classes + math (usually my best subject + kind of easy this yr) + next semester i have 2 art classes + 2 humanities. harmony. also NO SCIENCE THIS YEAR. big win for me. and AIEEE i just looked at my assessment stuff i got a 4 on my numeracy assessment am i a smart fella or what................. society if i liked math enough to do it as a job but alas its so boring...................... and i got a 3 on my french written assessment soooo.... french people hmu except i think i probably sucked at my oral assessment so mybe we can just text

[chumpmagump]

emotionally avoidant is familiar

i think this morning i realise the allure to emotionally avoidant people that leave an absence. '' your apathy is like a wounded soul'' resonates with me. My father was always emotionally comforting just enough in moments when i needed a hug, or something small but he always looked a bit lost with what to do with me with my emotions. He wasn't available, he didnt know how to be.

Then i went on to date emotionally avoidant men, or men that would give me something and then become withdrawn again. Its like i got a addicted to the chase of things. its like my nervous system is so inclined to feel maybe it could be different. i dont know. maybe a re- writing of trying to change history or the relationship with my father.

i feel tired of this though. its not attractive. its exciting, but for all the wrong reasons. why do i get a thrill from this? its something to do with attaining something that is hard. i dont know. i want someone to actually work for me, not put crumbs in and me have some automatic procedurally leant experience to chase.

This realisation came after meeting up with a friend i had a situatonship with around a year ago, i felt i got some closure around the fact that he was emotionally avoidant and i still yearned for that at the time. and it feels shameful. it feels fucked that i gave myself to people that just didnt care for me. that i was pretty disposable and convenient for them yet they mattered more to me.

all of this is just feels heavy. Then just not knowing what to do when people just feel avoidant in soothing me. its like a part of them wants to and the other part just looks so lost and withdrawn. Its good in a sense that i have learnt how to be there for myself more. and rely on myself and my mates more. Its shit in the sense that i actually do want a partner that i can feel comfort from, not a withdrawl or awkwardness.

this week in therapy re starting was major shifts. all of this time off work has me realising that i actually do want to be more intentonal about how i live my life. i dont want to be a clinician full time. i have other interests that i want to pursue. i wouldnt mind making money for a few months and then taking a few months off, repeat. i need time to be myself and know myself separate from my career. i actually find myself not even wanting to have 'goals' as such. i just want to wake up and do what i want that day. and i have all of that at my disposal. swimming, yoga, gym, skating, snorkelling, bush walks, photography, whatever it be. i want to explore myself more in these areas that i have more control over as compared to other peoples mental health outcomes. working with children will bring about a different change , and i do want the experience. i just know it will be a hard transition working not at all to 40 hour weeks again.

this dissonance between wanting to go out and have a good time at a bar yet never really feeling like i come out of my shell completely. i dont enjoy that. that came up for me last night too.

i dont know, i still seek that validation that im enough from the outside. i want to give that to myself but i think my beliefs are still strongly tied to what other people think of me in paticular ways, related to how i look, what i do, how much money i make.

i want to show up for myself regardless of how people treat me. that is the fucking hardest thing to ever do. to walk away from things that inhibit you doing that. Letting go is the necessary theme this month.

[adhesivedildos]

I've, been doing better?

I briefly entered psychosis a month ago, just, under everything. Hallucinating at work, losing touch with who i am even am, being ostracized and threatened, i started idealizing religious esque themes of suffering i dont even know. but its okay. Friends have really fuckin helped me clear my head, telling me that im not crazy for feeling all of this, that everything has just been, a mess, and im allowed to just be alive. indi and mika notably, and im finally getting back into mutual aid, a community I've really missed and wanted to give myself to. I was so afraid I wouldnt be able to.

But I finally got back into therapy, back on E, I've been sober for weeks, (but i dont really feel that different, it was easy as just not drinking. hasnt really been an issue for a long time, just feel its time) I'm reading and journaling in my lil books everyday, taking shrooms, breaking into buildings with friend for photography and tagging, run sometimes, coming back into activism. Stargazing. My little things philosophy. Everyone at my job showed me overwhelming love when they found out i was leaving, im getting to see my friend for their birthday and it caught me really off guard and im excited for their gifts. ive rebuilt a healthy relationship with sex that i lost a long time ago, I did quite a while back but im only starting to let myself feel it now, (not that i usually even desire that frequently at all?) Im just being human again and im grateful.

I got, so immersed in hurt and confusion trying to bridge any line of communication and trying to understand what was happening to make people believe the things they were telling me i am, and what i was trying to do, it warped my reality for months. i couldnt let myself trust myself at all, every time something didnt add up or try to come up with an answer it was like voices screaming in my head telling me i was in denial, or shit like " oh so anybody except you must be crazy huh" and id just start from the beginning completely broken.

I've had a lot of massive revolutions of my understanding on life, about addiction down to all its microcosms of reward systems be it drugs or relationships or validation or cell phones. Spirituality, accountability, victim/abuser identities and the complexities of trauma, how to qualm and rewire those pathways that leave us helpless to ourselves. Most of all I just feel a deeper peace in understanding and letting go. empathy for myself, for everyone whos hurt me before. Were all going through the motions that come with being a collective of people at all, making the same mistakes and subsequent realizations that have been had before, will happen again, and getting closer to whatever "it" is.

I've been suspended in an extremely hard emotional state for a long time. I felt helpless and scared throughout my last two relationships, and it only got worse after it got better. I think im actually living again now.

[umichenginabroad]

Week 2: That one time I got robbed

Today marks two weeks of studying abroad in Buenos Aires, and the end of an eventful week. We started out this week of extreme highs and lows with a beautiful little weekend getaway to Mendoza. A city known for its bodegas (or wineries), Mendoza did not disappoint. We arrived Thursday evening and had a nice dinner after a decently long travel day. One of my favorite things about Argentina culture is something known as a "sobremesa," where everyone stays at the table after finishing eating for purely social purposes. My roommates and I stayed at the restaurant for an entire 2.5 hours just talking. This cultural difference helps make every evening enjoyable, even when there are no big plans going on.

The next morning, we woke up early to head to the San Martin Park, which is the largest in Mendoza, and we ate brunch at a cute outdoor cafe. Afterwards, we explored the mini artisan market, where I bought some jewelry. The , we went on a half-day winery tour that we booked through TripAdvisor. Everything went very smoothly, and the tour guide could speak english. We visited three different bodegas and one olive oil factory, and it was a day well spent. The bodegas were absolutely stunning, and it was really interesting to see the intricacies of the various wine cellars and production process. We also got to taste some delicious bread and olive oil variations as an afternoon snack. Our exciting day came to an end with a beautiful sunset that we got to watch from the rooftop balcony of our final bodega.

Life suddenly moved on after our blissful weekend in Mendoza, and I really felt the shock during our 8 am physics class on Monday morning. It was difficult to snap back into a school routine, but playing ping pong and pool every day between classes definitely helped. If you told me two weeks ago that one of the highlights of my experience abroad so far was playing pool (a game that I had never played before) with classmates, I would've thought I went insane. However, playing little games has helped me bond with the other students, and even meet locals who attend the same university. I also spend most of the free time I have at the nearby parks, where there is an abundance of mini soccer (futbol) fields. Soccer tennis is now an essential part of my daily routine, and it is definitely a rewarding activity. It makes me so happy that I was able to incorporate the sport I love into my experience abroad, especially in the most passionate futbol country in the world.

The week picked up again on Tuesday night with a Tango show that was included with our CEA study abroad program. The venue was absolutely breathtaking, and the dancers matched the venue with their immense talent. I wish photography and recordings were allowed during the show because it was truly one of a kind. I will definitely be investing in tango lessons during the remaining time I have left here.

However, the night quickly plummeted after we decided on keeping the party going at a boliche (similar to a nightclub). After a couple hours of dancing, my heart dropped as I noticed my purse's zipper was open, and my phone was nowhere to be found. When preparing for a considerable trip like this one, lectures on preventing your belongings from being stolen are inevitable. I was always incredibly cautious with keeping my bags within sight and within my grasp, which made it even more distressing to find out my phone was stolen. After a brief mental breakdown, I finally calmed down enough to complete the necessary steps: tracking the location, putting it in lost mode, erasing its content, and calling my cell phone provider to discontinue the number. As this only happened less than 24 hours ago, I am still in a state of distress and shock, but I know that this happens to so many students abroad and that everything will be okay. This was a huge lesson (though one I wish I didn't have to learn) about how you really can never be too cautious with your belongings in a country such as Argentina, and I will take this knowledge and experience with me for the rest of this trip and my life. The good news is that it really can only go up from here, and hopefully by next week's Wu Wednesday, I will have things figured out!

[hwaightme]

hello its me again and im back!

i just got done and im AAAAAAHHHHHH so please forgive me if this seems all over the place its because it is...

also for anyone who might be reading this please read long exposure BEFORE reading this cause imma bout to spoil like there's no tomorrow beacause i loved it so much and i need to get all this excitement out somehow.

SPOILERS UNDER THIS PART

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i didn't know it was possible for you or even for any mere mortal to top the absolute masterpiece that was Use Me… Honestly you know how much i loved use me… me??? a mingi biased??? it seemed impossible. But you didddd!!!!!! like gorllll. everything about long exposure was PERFECT

ok so first of all the setting! you set the mood so expertly right from the get go! i felt mc’s drive and passion for her job and also the admiration she had for hwa like you could feel he was her hero. and then i love how you introduced woo in the middle of this. he appears like a disgracious spot in the middle of the beautiful photograph between mc and hwa. and you feel the real switch in mc’s heart. like you can feel her resentment and i loved ittttt.

i want to ENDLESSLY praise your character development!!!!! you are so soooo soooooooo good at that! you said in the intro that everyone was toxic in this fic and it’s true but exactly like hwa’s picture they seem only black and white at first glance but all three of them are SO MUCH MORE!!! they all are a beautiful palette of grays. as i was reading i felt even if all of the characters were making the unethical/immoral decisions none of them were evil per se. none of them were unidimensional. They all had so much depthhhh!!! it’s insane!!!! Like honestly i couldn’t even bring myself to hate woo because you did such a great job at painting him through his vulnerable side. even though he was clearly the asshole here. But honestly that phone call… where he wanted to protect mc from hwa who he thought became violent that was so sweet and it made my heart ache honestly but at the same time i was sooo happy for mc to finally let go of woo because she deserved better. somehow i felt all of them deserved better. also that's just pure speculation on my part but i cant help to doubt seonghwa’s passion will pass the test of time like so many artists switching from one muse to another. because so many artists are fuel by frustration, imagination, desire and even pain, rejection. and once you touch the dream, once you grasp the unreachable and you leave the realm of possibilities then the passion turns routine and the mystery turns habit… im scared seonghwa will grow tired of mc and she will end up hurt again and im rooting for her so baddddd.

i wanted to also talk about just the way you write…. girl it’s insane it’s just pure art!!!!! like the way every single sentence flow naturally after the previous one and you paint perfectly every picture, every emotion. You articulated this triangle so well. like as a reader i connected so well with all three of them. and the way you used photography analogies and just figures of speech beautifully some passages felt like poetry!!!! like damn you’re insane for this one!!!

And that brings me right to the next thing! girl are you a shapeshifter of sumn? like everytime i read one of your pieces, you can easily pass yourself as an expert in that field. Like i read motivate me i was convinced you majored in psychology and now im like is bai a photographer too???? like you make it so real!!!!! 

and hwa speaking french here and there i was about to LOSE MY MIND!!!!! (french is my native language) like i pictured it soooo welllllll with his low and quiet voice and it got me melted into a puddle! like he was so assertive but so respectful and so just ugh perfect. and him going to Brussels!!! i was like THIS IS MY CITYYYYY!!!!! like i was so happy!!!

and girl the smutSSSS (plural what???) like the first scene with woo i loved it really gave the vibe “it feels so wrong but so right” at the same time! i love how woo knew exactly what mc was picturing and she was so parched for seonghwa’s touch that she didn’t even take the time to deny it and used him to get off to the thought of her boss. so scandalous i LIVE FOR IT!!!! and the scene with the man of the hour ??????? omg!!!! like when he asked mc to start by herself while he took the pics i was like AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH and just losing it! and then the rest i can’t even talk about because im still in my feels and yeah…

AND GORL THE ENDING!!!!!!!! the things it implies!!!!!!! i like to think the woo did it!!! i love unhappy/bad endings!! i love to see the villain win so that really was the cherry on top for me!!!! 

so yeah! this was perfect to me like everything! i loved it so much!!!! all across the board it was just 10s everywhere! 

Thank you so much for writing this!!!!!!!! im so glad i found your page!!! you write the best fics ever and you’re an absolute sweetheart <3

ILYSM <333333

Hello there I am speaking to you from the afterlife because the Seonghwa Paris live just made me feel all types of ways and I was repeatedly destroyed but ANYWAYS MY ANGEL YOU ARE THE KINDEST SWEETEST BEAUTY I CANNOT <3 <3 PLEASE This is the highest praise of all time and I am a sobbing mess on the floor…. and omg…… I am thinking back to just how my heart fluttered when you sent in your thoughts about Use Me… you know I still come back to that post? AND NOW I WILL BE LOSING OVER THIS ONE FOR ALL OF ETERNITY BECAUSE ;~; my word this is just…. this just means infinity to me. Thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

It was really interesting to try and immerse myself into the photography world, as I feel like this is just such a beautiful, deep realm that very much connects with inner emotions and their expression, so I am so OVERJOYED that you felt the mood of mc and her relationships with both Seonghwa and Wooyoung! Also omg that analogy is just so brilliant - the disgracious spot… I am genuinely floored and so grateful for this!! And yes, I find that professional pursuits and the arts are just such an interesting driver, so really the fact that you found my attempts at integrating that to make sense is just making my heart sing.

I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU LIKED THE CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT OMG!!!!!!!!! This is something that I am constantly trying to improve upon, because I truly believe that every single individual is so multifaceted - quite literally a universe in a body, so to make someone have only one trait is… it is unjust, so with each work I try my best to learn how to deliver emotion and feelings as best as I can. I bow to you… your words are an infinite motivation and inspiration, and really make me want to continue on this beautiful journey that is writing and reading and appreciating the world itself. Thank you. And not me ceasing to breathe for a second when you said the 'beautiful palette of grays' - I am legit tearing up…. One of my favourite quotes of all time is from Sir William Shakespeare's Hamlet, which is "there is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so", and so I want to try my best to make even the one who is initially an antagonist, or portrayed to be one, to have their reasons, their rationality, their own heart (how you describe the personality and decision-making that Woo has here is just…. I am…. I am speechless because this is making me overwhelmed in the best way, I am so grateful). Also, the point you make about Seonghwa, it is just sending me into such a wondrous spiral of ideating what this world in Long Exposure could become and be - as you say, there really is the risk of him moving on - he is a chaser, he wants to capture what cannot be captured, and while it is a permanent frustration it is what drives him, and here he is, with the world in his hands…. and what would that mean for the future? Can this artist, this visionary, this innovator live with reality when he wishes to invent his own?

I am currently SPEECHLESS… really I am stunned…. coming from such a gifted writer (seriously, I reread your work - Partition at least three times) this is just beyond what I could ever hope for. I know I am saying thank you in every sentence but really…. again, to quote Shakespeare, this time taking from Twelfth Night: "I can no other answer make but thanks, And thanks; and ever thanks". The triangle was definitely an experiment for me, since before Long Exposure I have mainly (if not completely) focused on singular pairings with low 'romantic conflict' if you will, so this is just so unbelievably encouraging, and I am going insane from your kind words ;~;

AHAHAHAH I am lowkey obsessed with researching different careers and professions, because seriously… there is so much cool stuff out there, everything has such amazing intricacy and the little things that make a job are just so beautiful… I want to try my best to do this justice, so I am so happy that you enjoy my little deep dives <3 And ahem…. not me… being um… inspired by you O_O because this was around the time when you were talking about the Brussels concert and were posting about your experiences…. Anyways imma just hide right now ahah ily <3 (also not Seonghwa saying a few words in French during the live!?!!? SWOON)

EHEH INDEED THE PLURAL; Genuinely the first scene had me… thinking thoughts as I was typing it ahah - exactly as you say, "it feels so wrong but so right" ahah; so much for Wooyoung trying to sculpt MC in to what he wanted to see, only for her to envision someone completely different. Slowly but surely, Woo disappeared from her viewfinder (due to his own… interesting decisions)… AAAH I am so so honoured that you enjoyed the second scene~ really it was interesting to figure out how to blend photography and intimacy, considering that really… in many ways this is what Seonghwa is trying to express but is the first time it is done so explicitly… AND GUUURL I AM IN MY FEELS RN!!!!

I am a sucker for ambiguous, open endings ahah, it may be cruel so very sorry ahah but I am so so glad that you liked it!!! EXACTLY WHO KNOWS WHAT IF WOOYOUNG PULLED A "OH YOU ARE NOT MINE? THEN YOU CANNOT BE ANYBODY ELSE'S EITHER";

Again, you are stunning, you are perfection, you give me all the serotonin and dopamine and I feel so truly blessed. Thank you so much, I love you 3000 and I AM SO UNBELIEVABLY GRATFUL THAT I HAVE MET YOU AND HAVE THE PLEASURE OF SPEAKING WITH YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH YOU TALENTED, KIND ANGEL ILYSM!!!! MUCH LOVE AND BIGGEST HUGS <3333333333

[whosafraidofmarklee]

about you

pairings: photographer! johnny/ arthistorian! reader

genre: established relationship, loads of fluff but also angst...

summary: johnny has successfully opened his first solo photography exhibition. however, he is secretly hoping for someone to walk through the gallery doors all day. intertwined with love from five years ago, his photographs speak louder than words.

wc: 6250 words

a/n: 

hey all!!!! here's a wee bit of a johnny fic heavily inspired by the 1975's new song, about you. that song is so good it got me weeping for days as i concocted this story in my head. enjoy, don't cry :')

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"Aren't you excited?" the curator beams, patting his fuzzy felt blazer down, composing himself.

Johnny turns his head toward the dimmed gallery behind him, the frame reflections catching the glimpses of streetlights outside. Each photograph sits nicely on the wall, proud and tall, waiting for visitors to be voyeurs into his life. He purses his lips, letting out a small "Yeah" before turning round and heading out the steps.

"Get ample sleep, alright! It's your big day tomorrow - your grand opening. I am telling you, everyone would be buzzing over your photographs. They hold so much emotions, that's precisely why I chose you," the curator closes the door behind him and spins back toward Johnny. "Be proud of yourself, your exhibition is going to be spectacular."

"Thank you so much, I appreciate it, really. I'll see you tomorrow then?" Johnny turned his heel and waved a short goodbye before speed-walking to his car. He could not take it anymore, all this holding it in. 

He sits at the driver's seat and shuts his eyes. Finally, some peace and quiet after a whole month of crazy preparations. His chest expands and contracts, the warmth of his breath countering the frigid weather he just walked through. He gathers himself, or so he thinks.

"Yeah, Johnny. You'll be alright. It's your big day tomorrow, don't fuck it up," he whispers to himself.

As he places his hand on the wheel, his eyes flutter open. Under the starless winter sky, the amber streetlights embrace the white flurries falling aimlessly. One, two and suddenly, a whole gust of them make their descent onto Johnny's car. His eyes trail the flurries’ every move as they softly land on his windshield, eyes capturing the delicate intricacies of the snowflake before it begins to fade away into nothing. 

In the tiny gaps of the melting snowflakes, he saw her again.

—

“So what is your new years resolution, my love?" she giggles as she wraps their thick, Rudolph-printed blanket around her body.

Johnny catches her gaze and smiles back tenderly. She looked absolutely marvellous, her hair falling all over the place having just woken up. Their curtains are fully opened, revealing the expansive city below them while the winter sun breaches its way into their abode and whose light finds refuge on her hair, illuminating her figure. He watches as she goes back to scribbling her goals onto her tattered journal, occasionally looking up and whispering to herself to perfectly articulate her desires. 

“To keep loving you, of course," he replies after awhile.

“Don't be ridiculous, i already know that," she puts her pen down and reaches towards him, "we are going to be by each other's side forever and ever and ever. That's our eternal january 1 wish."

He leans forward and gives her a quick kiss, lingering over her lips as she pulls away. He does not have to look, he feels her lips curve into the same smile he fell in love with 4 years ago, the moment he walked into his introduction to art history class and saw her sitting at the end of the room. He knew from then on out, she would be etched into his life for years to come.

“Well… since it is our last year of college, I was thinking of doing a year long project where I document the events that make me feel tumultuous emotions. Sort of like cataloguing my life…into photographs…as photographers do….” Johnny finally answers her question and trails off, his hand finding the waves of her hair and habitually running his fingers through them.

“Yeah? A great big project before you get pushed into the real working world?” She asks smugly.

“Definitely that.”

She shifts under his touch and leans towards his embrace, letting herself fall into his arms. Johnny pulls the blanket over their bodies and lets himself melt into her. He could do this all day, intertwining himself with her. She was his life-force, his sun and moon.

“For me,” she breaks the silence in a whisper into his ears, “it would be to get accepted into a post-graduate course.”

“Why’d you have to whisper it like someone’s going to come running in and stop you?” he buzzes at her lingering lips on his ears, giving a little laugh.

“Because if I don’t get in, it is embarrassing. I’d rather whisper it to you so you can pretend to forget it if I don’t get accepted.” 

“Are you kidding me? You are the best art historian I know, you can name every artwork off the top of your head, you’re like a walking museum,” Johnny assures as he holds her tighter under him, placing a quick kiss on her forehead.

She looks back up at him, gazing into his hazel eyes that bore into her soul. The very eyes that comfort her in her darkest nights, envelop her every morning and the one that showed more love in its little reactions to her presence. Letting her fingers trace his features, she grins slightly as she feels her heart grow fonder and fonder with every sight of him. 

“I best be in all your photos this year then,” she jokes and snuggles into his warm neck.

Truly, waking up next to each other on the first day of every year has become a norm. They were renewed, rebirthed with every passing year, but they feel  just the same every time their hands graze each other. Between them both, time slows and speeds but never halts. They were orbiting together, their love powering the cycles of many lifetimes.

—

The lamp switch clicks and Johnny’s room brightens. He is acutely aware of the silence in the house. Bending his head slightly, he roughly dries his wet hair on the towel. When he looks up, his eyes fall on the paper by his bedside table.

THE COMEDIAN

A Solo Exhibition by Johnny Suh

31 December-31 January

The golden text bounces itself off the sheen of velvet blue cardstock paper. His name seemed unfamiliar to him, a jumbled up word from the array of alphabets. Then again, he never felt like himself the past five years. 

An inaudible sigh escapes his lips as he throws his towel to the side, climbing into the left side of the bed. That was always his side.

He turns the paper over and extends his body to turn off his lamp. Rolling over the bed, his eyes slowly adjusts to the darkness of the room.

A pillow rests untouched beside him, the white space demarcating the absence in his life. The blanket creases over his side but straightens itself as it passes his body. He takes in a sharp breath but he feels the oxygen running out. The air is heavy, damp with memories that flood to the forefront of his mind. As he blinks to compose himself, he sees her brief silhouette laying there, as it should be, as it always has been. But a silhouette could be a mirage. The brain tricks itself, as Johnny has tried to trick himself for years. 

She is not there, she has not been for awhile now. 

His fingers run along the cotton bedsheet, imagining the weight of her next to him as he lulls himself toward the door of dreams. 

— 

2:03 AM

Johnny looks up from his crumpled notes, scratching his head. Letting out an exasperated sigh, he pushes his glasses up his nose bridge and squints at her direction. There she sits, opposite him, legs tucked under her, biting her lips in anxiety while she mumbles the notes off of her laptop screen. He beams as he notices the way his sweatshirt hangs off her shoulders, too massive to fit her frame. 

It was midterms season and they were cramming for an exam the following day. Well, technically, that day of. On his desk lay his scrambled astronomy notes. It is ludicrous in hindsight, that Johnny would take the time off of his photography classes to take it as an elective. But he tells no soul about the fact that it was simply because he notices her contemplating the sky every night, searching for the different stars and planets that appears with every passing season. Compelled by her devotion toward this habit, he took on the class in hopes of piquing her brain.

He pushes his notes slightly and stands up from his chair, groaning as he twists his crammed up body. He notices that she did not take her eyes off of her screen and with pursed lips, slowly walks towards her. He carefully carries the nearest chair, placing it silently next to her and sits on it, eyes on her screen too, curious to find out what she was reading about. 

“Hey, that’s pretty cool,” he comments, skimming through the page, matching her speed of reading. 

“What is?” she asks offhandedly, not moving her gaze one bit.

“The artwork.”

She stops scrolling and turns her head toward him, looking all frazzled. Her hair stood at weird angles and her blue-light glasses precariously on the tip of her nose. He chuckles and gently pushes the glasses up for her.

“That’s some intense dedication there, to walk from the ends of the Great Wall of China for 90 days just to meet each other in the middle. That’s such a romantic way to propose,” he muses and raises his eyebrows, “should we do that? Walk along the wall, meet each other after 3 months and I will go down on one knee?”

She laughs at his proposal and untucks her legs beneath her.

“I stopped scrolling at the wrong time then. They managed to pull off the performance but instead of getting married, they broke up in the middle instead.”

Johnny’s eyes widened, a little too invested in this, “why?”

“It started out as a passion project, they were both highly regarded performance artists whose practise involved testing the limits of the other. They had ambitions to get married but approvals from the Chinese government to walk along the perimeters of the wall took too many years to be cleared. By the time the approvals were passed, their relationship had slowly fizzled out. They had affairs and were unhappy with each other, but for the sake of their art, travelled the wall.”

She watches as his face softens at her explanation, his lips puckering slightly, a habit she noticed him doing every time he is in deep thought.

“Oh, that sucks,” he blurts out in response.

“I guess you could put it that way… I still find their dedication toward their art very fascinating. If it is of any consolation, they met years later in another performance artwork of hers.”

He takes her hand in his and shakes his head slightly. “That’s good, no? Reconciling.” 

“To a certain extent, yes. It rocked the art world for months and years on end: the greatest love is back again!” she dramatises, sticking her arm out like she was in a performance, gaining a laugh from the boy in front of her.

“Now I don’t know if I should make us walk a historic wall before I pop the question, it seems so silly,” he strokes her ring finger subconsciously and traces the creases on her palm. She notices.

She leans in, kissing his cheek, “continue brainstorming then, my love.”

Johnny grins and imagines himself walking over battered bricks to get to her. The ground shifts below him but the running hills circle in around him, as if giving him comfort to persevere on. She was at the end of the wall, slowly walking toward him too. It did not matter how long it takes, where it happens or what season it was. 

He knew he would walk across endless walls just to get to her.

—

Walking into the metallic frame of his hanging mirror, Johnny puts on his emerald coloured sweater, fixing his white button-up collar in place. His eyes were sunken in, tired from imagining all the possibilities of today. He sighs, proceeding to grab all his belongings and throwing them into the bag strewn on his floor. 

It was his big day, he knew. But he cannot help but wish for the morning to turn out differently. His eyes catches the perfectly shaped pillow on his bed and his feet quickens its pace out of his home.

“God, it is freezing today,” he mutters to himself as he exits his car, tightening his coat around his body. Every breath of his turned into vapour, clouding his view of the gallery right in front of him. He looks up toward the sun, seeing only an obscure ray of yellow hanging in the air. There was no warmth, not even in the atmosphere and definitely not in his heart.

He checks the street for cars before dashing across, finding himself at the doorsteps of a gallery he knows too well. In the glass door, he sees his languid figure obscured by view of the gallery inside, his photographs and him merging into one incomprehensible figure. 

Putting on his best smile, he opens the door and walks in.

—

“Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, here it is!” 

She muffles a squeal as she grabs onto Johnny’s hand, pushing him into the crowd. Fishing their way through, they land in front of the very painting they were there for. 

She could barely control her excitement. Bits of tears pool around the corners of her eyes as they land on her most beloved painting. It was real, in front of her, in all its delicate brushstrokes. The warm spotlight of the gallery was nothing but a halo to this painting, so she thought.

Sensing her bewilderment, Johnny wraps his arm around her waist and scoots them closer to the work, shielding her from the mass of crowds around them. He recalls her screaming when the news came in, her favourite painter of all time had a travelling show and they were miraculously showing in the gallery closest to their house. He grins every time he sees her shared calendar countdown to the number of days until the exhibition opens in the notification tab of his phone, silently counting down with her too. He made sure to purchase two tickets for the opening day, to which she kissed him tenfold when they landed in her hands, and he could still feel her hand on his chest waking him up at 6am this morning to beat the snaking queue into the gallery.

Now, they stood in front the very work they came here for. It is a little bit smaller than I thought, Johnny mused to himself. He had seen the painting countless times whenever she showed it to him on her phone screen and he felt that the years of seeing it in pixels made him grow fond of the artwork too. His breath hitched as he is pulled into the black mass of the painting, his eyes gaining refuge from the darkness with the two figures standing on the stage. He knew them by the back of his hand. The two figures stood by the stage, wearing Pierrot and Pierette costumes, in the midst of bowing toward an imagined audience. The delicate brushstrokes of the painting arrested Johnny’s gaze as he stood in awe of the piece of canvas.

“It is so beautiful,” her voice croaks, breaking the bubble of silence between them. They stood side by side, eye-level with the figures, staring so intently into the heaps of paint that they could almost see themselves in the obscurity of the figures’ features. 

“Out of all his paintings, this last painting of his is arguably the most striking as it is the only time we see two figures accompanying each other but not alone in their own world. In his other paintings, even if the figures were interacting with each other, their expression still signalled isolation. But this painting is an outlier. Their hands suggests their union against the loneliness of the world, their white costumes as a resistance to the fading darkness behind them. They are in tandem, in the same performance, in the same space, sharing the same moment. How poignant that he chose to paint him and his wife as his last legacy,” she reveals in hushed tones, gesturing at the painting.

Johnny listens intently, nodding as he follows the trailing of her fingers, leading him furthering into the work.

“I love this painting because they are fools. Their quirky garb appoints them to the roles of a Pierrot and Pierrette, infecting the world with their joyous art,” she continues. “Historically, the fool is known to be the bearer of all binaries; the divine and profane, power and destruction, morning and night. Due to their ties with those in power, they enlighten others with the truth through their little whims, being the only one to merge the truth and absurd laughter, just like Hopper does with his works. The position of the fool reveals the significance of being more than ourselves, discovering our potential through such a limitless figure. That’s why this painting is called Two Comedians.” 

“Most importantly, the painting reminds me of us.” 

Johnny’s train of thought snaps back into reality at her words, shifting his wonder from the work to her. In this moment, as they stood in front of this timeless piece, they held many possibilities for the future. Their lives were intertwined like his hands around the hem of her skirt, their legs under the blanket after a long day apart and their riddled words of affection. They are painted in white, staring into the abyss of their future. 

—

The wine in his glass sloshes side to side but never disappearing into his mouth. It has been at the same level since two hours ago, when the scarlet ribbon decorating the entrance was snipped off and people trailed in to discover his works. The wine dissolved under him, morphing into the torn ribbon, morphing into her lips, morphing into the her favourite book on his shelf, morphing into th-

“Johnny!”

His head whips upward and the curator was staring back at him, wide-eyed. Next to him stood a guy donning a navy suit, his blonde hair slicked back and his hand gripped on an empty wine glass. 

“Meet Taeyong, he’s an art critic,” the curator subtly raises his brows at Johnny,” and he has expressed great interest in your work thus far. Thought I’d introduce you two.”

Johnny extends his empty-hand and gave the well-dressed guy a tight handshake. Taeyong has a wide grin on his face, returning the handshake with near excessive shaking. 

“I am a big fan of your work, these photographs are extraordinary. What would you say is your inspiration for these works? I believe it was a year long project, yes?” he chides, leaning toward the artist, enunciating his questions.

Johnny lets his hand go at the word “inspiration”. He purses his lips and could feel the curator beside him anticipating a brilliant reply. It is your big day, remember that Johnny, he reminds himself.

But the only words that left his lips were: “just foolish things throughout the year.”

Throughout the entire conversation, his eyes went over Taeyong and the curator’s head. They were instead set on the rectangular door frame of the gallery, assessing every person walking in and silently praying to notice the same rosy lips he had last kissed years ago. 

—

She flips through the pages of her book, aware of the dissipating feet shuffles around her.  Her fingers grazes against each page, imagining each word in her mind. 

This was her weekly routine, waiting for Johnny to finish his shift at the cafe while she finished her reading in one corner. By then, she has pavloved herself to associate the fragrant smell of coffee beans to this place and nowhere else. As such, Johnny too became her coffee lover.

Fleeting her eyes between the pages and her watch, she notices that he is running slightly behind time today. In her peripheral view, she sees him wiping the coffee stains off of the counter. Though it is so mundane, she fixes on this sight, scrutinising every detail of his face that she has memorised by now. She believes that love is inherently non-corporeal.  But whenever she lays her eyes on her lover, she thinks about how his every physical detail is filled with so much to love. His cupid's bow draws the same curve as the back of every chair she sees. His eyelashes appear in the labryinth of twigs above her in her daily route to her classes. His hair's texture remains in the crevices of her fingers, forever part of the stitches of her hand. Everything led her back to him. 

She gathers her stuff when she sees him untie his apron and disappear into the back room. Unbeknownst to her, a small smile is plastered on her red face while she was doing so. 

The moment she heard the backroom door open, she turns around and watches the strides her lover takes toward her. Five, she counts. Five too many. 

She reached toward his neck, bringing his lips down to hers. She feels his lips curve into a cheeky smile as he pulls away, shifting the position of his bag behind him.

"Why was your shift extended today?" she asks casually as he holds the door open for her.

His hands naturally finds their way around hers, their feet turning toward the direction of their home. 

"I ran a little late because my previous class ran over," he replies her, taking a quick glance at her curious expression before focusing back on their path.

She notices that while he is holding her hand as tightly as he always does, his other hand occasionally tugs onto his bag from time to time as if making sure that the bag was there at all costs. 

"Why are you holding your bag so carefully? It's not like anyone is going to steal it" she jokes, earning a nervous chuckle from him. There and then, she knew.

Johnny never answered her question. He knew better when he ran into the ring shop because his class ended earlier than usual. Occasionally, he would walk past this shop and casually survey the different rings on display but this morning, one caught his eye. Sapphire green, her favourite colour. 

He talked to the jeweller and his hands trembled as he opened the velvet box to see the ring destined for her. Entranced by the beauty of it, he realised he was late for his job. Even after sweating buckets from running blocks to the cafe, his heart never faltered.

When he saw her seated at the edge of his cafe, engrossed in her book and with the warm lamp light softening her features, he knew he made the right choice.

—

Slowly, visitors filtered in and out. But none of them contented him.

His mouth hurts from forcing a smile and his feet shifted back and forth, aching from standing too long.

He listens to the hushed whispers of those viewing his work. He watches as they encounter his work, first glancing at his statement before their eyes fall on the work on the wall. After a minute or two, they turn to the person next to them and tell secrets while side-eyeing the work.

Johnny wonders if perhaps they saw his pain through the photographs. Granted, these photographs were taken 5 years ago but he wondered if they saw right through him when they look at the prints. Could they read his every thought? Could they see how much love he had? Could they sense that this time was then truncated, smashed into pieces and reglued to be the pictures they see right now?

Photography offers a look of love, he used to tell her.

He wondered if they could now see the world through his lens. If that was the case, could all their love accumulate and transcend the gallery space, bursting into the frigid air outside and somehow find their way to her, give her a little pat on the back and usher her into this gallery? 

He sits and wonders.

—

"I just received exciting news!" Johnny exclaimed, hand clutching onto a ripped open envelope addressed to their address.

"What is it?" she could barely contain her excitement, the red neon light of the diner reflecting on her face outwardly expressing her anticipation.

His eyes were sharp, twinkling at her as he pulls out the letter, pushing it toward her.

"I just got accepted into a photography residency programme here, the best one in town," he grins.

She did not even skim through the letter. At his words, she lunges forward and hits her waist against the table.

"Ouch!" she exclaims as she tumbles forward clumsily, hugging her lover as tight as she could.

"I am so fucking proud of you, John," she says, "You deserve it."

Johnny pulls away and kisses her tenderly, melting under her touch. He applied the day she found out about the residency, continuously bugging him to apply every hour. She knew his ability best, knowing that he could grow better in this environment and never once did she doubt his success. 

"When are you starting? When did the mail come in? Are you getting paid? Are there any other names accepted? Do you know who your mentor is going to be? God, I am asking countless questions but I am so happy for you," she feels tears welling up but blinks it away at the sight of his lit up face.

"Nothing's decided for sure yet accept that I got in, the details will slowly come in in the weeks to come" he states, "how about you? have your acceptance letters come in yet?"

She feels her face slowly fall, just like the silence between them. Slowly, reality began to dawn on her. 

"No... but if they do, I am going to be halfway across the globe," she trails off, a hint of doubt in her tone.

Johnny catches it and replies, "that's not a problem, I will travel back and forth for you even though our original plans to move there altogether might not happen… I am sure we can find a way around this..."

She glances out the window for awhile and watched the sun glare down on the walking passersby. The heat was unbearable at the height of summer. She watches as people struggle under the heat, occassionally waving a paper fan on themselves to alleviate the heat.

Brought back by the sound of the diner's bell, she notices Johnny's gaze still on her. 

"Yeah, we will figure it out," she smiles and feels guilty. This was his big day, there was no use worrying about her acceptances and their future. All that matters is this moment.

"I love you, John."

He opens his mouth to speak but was interrupted by the waiter bringing their food, clanking the dishes against the cold marble table. The retro music drowns her words out and she stares into the hashbrown on her end of the plate, picking on it until it falls apart.

—

Johnny's stomach rumbled loudly, breaking the silence of the gallery. His eyes widened as he awkwardly shifts himself away, finding himself a chair in a hidden corner to nibble on some snacks.

From the glass door, he gathered that it was late into the night. He watched endless cars pass by this street and the disappearing winter sun. 

Hope is scary. It manifested in everything he saw that day, creeping up on him with every ding of the doorbell. 

As he looks at his watch, he sighed. It was 5 minutes before closing and still, his wildest dreams were not realised.

He watches as the last visitor headed toward the door, silently bowing to him and opening the door to the world outside. 

A gust of freezing air rushed into the gallery, penetrating through Johnny's exposed fingers and straight into his heart. He shudders.

It was about time he gave up. It was never going to happen. He had hoped endlessly for the past years but to no avail. It was selfish of him to expect more, to want her right next to him like nothing ever happened. He was the one that sent her off, he knew that all too well. 

Leaning against the wall and closing his eyes, he relents.

A second after, he hears the sudden ding of the door.

—

"We could try, but I do not think it is particularly feasible," she thinks out loud as she paces around their living room.

Johnny is sat on the couch, head heavy in his hands as he ran through many solutions. In front of him, her acceptance letter lays bare on the table.

While the initial reaction to the letter was utmost joy, the two of them slowly came to realise the prospect of the future ahead of them. Where they were previously of the same bubble, with every passing second, each of them could feel the glass breaking.

"Yeah, we could do long-distance," Johnny voices out, reaffirming her thoughts, only to be met with her sigh.

"But I will be gone for 4 years, John, that is a.. ho- horridly long time," she chokes on her words and stops her pacing. Her hands were placed firmly on her hips as she tilts her head back to prevent her tears from falling.

"That's no worry, is it? I will fly to you every time I have a break, and you could do the same for me, we could keep this apartment together and we could still be together," he tries to convince her, hands shaking at the thought of them possibly separating. His words hung uncomfortably in the air.

He looks up at the home they have built together for the past 4 years. Their books are mixed on a single bookshelf, their selves undiscernable from the other. His camera collection sits on the floating shelf above the tv, right next to her gigantic painting she first finished the week they moved in. Her pink and blue pillows rests against his grey striped ones, creating a disjunct of colours in their mint green living room - but it was intrinsically them.

Everything they have built in the past 4 years was slowly crumbling. It seemed irrational, it seems. Long-distance could definitely work out. Many couples have done it and it was successful, what makes them different?  

Despite desperately trying to rationalise their decision, each of them felt it deep in their hearts. The inevitable rift. The intimacy that gets lost in the endless flights. The conversations that get lost in timezones and sleep schedules. The love that gets jumbled up in the array of their pursuits.

"You know that we have to," she says finally.

Johnny doesn't meet her eye. He would love to live in denial, reject this all and suddenly wake up to find out that this is just a dream but he doesn't. The overwhelming pain in his heart grounded him in reality, with nowhere to run.

"We could always find each other again, right?" he manages his words out, concealing the quiver in his voice to not scare her.

"One day."

Their bodies are turned away from each other, their gazes fixed on different things. The place that they came home to everyday for the past few years suddenly feels constricting. The walls were collapsing onto them and the oxygen was being pumped right out. But both of them stayed, watching the walls slowly crumble, crackle and disintegrate. 

They sat and stared, waiting through the whole duration of the damage until their house was unrecognisable and turned into bits of ashy rubble. Amidst the dull ruins and dust, a glinter of sapphire glows.

—

She walks in. Her hair was cut shorter than when he last saw her, shaping her face perfectly. Her cheeks were the shade of freshly planted roses, matching the mauve tint on her lips. Her neck that he has kissed time and time again was wrapped snuggly with a red and blue plaid scarf, shielding it from his view. Her hands slowly untucked itself from the deep pockets of her black coloured coat, revealing the veins that used to course through her body with her endless love.

Johnny felt his breath knocked out of him. There she was, in flesh and blood. She aged, as he did, but she looked more beautiful than ever, he thought. She looked better than when he last saw her, she looked like the person he knew yet not at all. She looked at him with rekindled fire behind her eyes, letting the warmth of the gallery welcome her into the space.

"Y/n."

Her name left his lips for the first time in years. It sounded, felt and tasted unfamiliar but the moment the word lingered in the air, he remembered why it was his favourite word.

"Hi Johnny," she responded, managing her breaths between each word, controlling her emotions at the sight of her beloved.

He did not know how to react. He was overcome with many conflicting thoughts and emotions. He wanted to hug her tightly and never let go. He wanted to shun her away for showing up so late and letting him wake up alone this morning. He wanted to kiss her eagerly and remember the taste of her mouth. He wanted to spit out all the pain he felt throughout the years, letting her know exactly what he struggled with all this time. He wanted to ask her a billion questions about the years that eluded them.  He wanted to curse her for never reaching out even once, even though it was the pact made, he supposed that she would somehow break it but she did not.

She lets her eyes fall on the photos scattered around the gallery. Every photo, a sight too familiar to her. 

"So this was your one year project, hm?" she hums, eyes landing back on the bamboozled Johnny.

"Yeah, it was" he manages out.

Silently, they made their round around the gallery. She led the way and he trailed behind her, occasionally smelling a whiff of her perfume that used to sit on their dressing table. He watches as her face barely changes with every passing photo. She remained silent, her lips pursed together and her eyes non-judgemental.

They made their way through photos of their empty bed, disordered bookshelf, dusty shelves full of collectibles, colourful tupperwares of food in their fridge, brown oak front door, creaky silver chair they found near their garbage disposal, frayed bohemian carpet and the mismatched sock pile in their drawers. All scenes that are engraved in their memory. As they walked further, the sight of the last painting halted them in their tracks.

Finally, Johnny watches as her eyebrows twitch and fall. Her eyes softened. Her lips steadily parts.

"Was that the ring?"

Johnny remained silent. He remembers taking the photo, the day he bought the ring. After they returned from the cafe, she rushed off to bathe and he sneakily took the box out, quietly opening it and marvelling at its sight. He grabbed his camera when he heard her shower stop running. Taking a quick shot, he buried the box behind the shelf full of art books.

"Yeah."

"It's beautiful."

Silence penetrates the room once more. They were turned away from each other, bodies drawn toward the photograph. They could hear each other's laboured breath bubbling up the room until Johnny pricks it.

"Would you have said yes?"

She lightly shifts toward him, meeting his eye for the second time since she entered. The same eyes that he looked into every morning and night. The same eyes that saw him in the lecture room years ago and the same eyes that bade him goodbye in the departure hall.

"Of course, John."

Her response washed over him like flowers blooming in place of melted snow. He held her gaze.

"Well, we've made our journey across the wall, haven't we?" she chuckles, making Johnny reveal a slight smile.

She takes a step closer.

"After looking at endless artworks the past few years, I came to realise something. I see you in all of them. The greats, the worsts, the ones portraying the highest moments of humanity and the lowest. The ones encased with grief, anger, fury and the ones with joy, love and fondness. Beyond every frame, form, brushstroke or performance, you were there. You were everywhere."

"I realised after awhile that just as I am cataloguing these works and granting them significance, I was doing the same for all our memories. I have never, not for a single second, forgotten you."

Outside, people were gathering and gearing for the year end fireworks. Screams of excitement filled the streets, anticipating the looming new year. They huddled together, their bodies emanating warmth that the night could not offer. They wait, staring at the sky.

Inside, two figures stand beside each other, framed by the dark photograph. They bow forward, stumbling on each other’s shoes as they clumsily announce their musings of each other, stepping forth from the peeling curtains. Their clothes glimmer in their pure whiteness, illuminating their path into the unknown.

At last, the clock struck midnight.